i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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