god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
