Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
