There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
