you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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