Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
