dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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