Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
