when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
