Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
