btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
