You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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