Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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