get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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