ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
