remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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