K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
