please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
