i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
