Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
