And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
