I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
