So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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