I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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