Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
