I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
