Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
