At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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