This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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