dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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