Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
