does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
