I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
