she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
