Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
