I wish I could teleport
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
