do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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