have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
