sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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