I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
