In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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