I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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