Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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