we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
