He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
