Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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