Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
