My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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