Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
