the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
