Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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