dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
