Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
