my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
