Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
