At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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