somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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