Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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