i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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