By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
