Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
