Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
