Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
