I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
