i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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